The Nutjob
by Magi Silverwolf
Summary: Or A Series of Unfortunate Dates. (RAC fill)


**Disclaimer:** I do not own the original canon nor am I making any profit from writing this piece. All works are accredited to their original authors, performers, and producers while this piece is mine. No copyright infringement is intended. I acknowledge that all views and opinions expressed herein are merely my interpretations of the characters and situations found within the original canon and may not reflect the views and opinions of the original author(s), producer(s), and/or other people.

 **Warnings:** This story may contain material that is not suitable for all audiences and may offend some readers.

 **Author's Note(s):** This piece was written for a challenge in the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry (Challenges & Assignments) on the FFN forum.  
 **The Challenge Information** :  
 **House** : Gryffindor  
 **Claimed Pairing:** Lunar Heroes (Neville Longbottom/Luna Lovegood/Harry Potter)  
 **Day 28:** Matchmaker Agency  
 **Extra Prompt[s]** : n/a  
 **Word Count** : 940

-= LP =-

The Nutjob

 _or_

A Series of Really Unfortunate Dates

-= LP =-

"Why don't you speak for yourself, John?" – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

-= LP =-

"Tell me, Mr. Potter," the woman said in a syrupy voice that made him shudder. Damn Hermione and her overly idealized concept of love. "Tell me what you are looking for in a soulmate? Are you looking for your romantic match? Maybe just your platonic match? All of the above? Tell me, and it shall be delivered."

"You aren't serious, are you?"

"I assure you that I have an excellent track record of successful matches." The matchmaker sounded so certain and if he were honest, watching his friends pair off with their soulmates was making things rather lonely. He just didn't like Madame Jocelyn Dinar with her overly-sweet tones and gauzy scarves. It was just so fake and reminded him painfully of everything the Dursleys had ever said about Harry's obvious lack of soulmate.

He was probably going to regret this.

"All of the above? I'd really like it if my soulmate was someone I could be friends with."

"Excellent choice, Mr. Potter," she cooed.

Harry was already regretting this.

-= LP =-

"My father would be more than willing to negotiate a betrothal contract—"

"I realize that this may be my very muggle upbringing talking, but what the actual fuck? One, it is only five minutes into our first date. Don't you think it's a bit soon for discussions of marriage? Two, what the actual fuck? Do people really do that still?"

The date didn't last long after that. Jocelyn swore the next one would be a better fit.

-= LP =-

"I would like to start this by saying that I don't believe in safe words. They're for weaklings."

"Er, that's a really easy way to get yourself hurt."

"I can take anything you can dish out."

"I think we're done here."

Harry didn't believe Jocelyn's promise when she gave it again, but Hermione made him go on the next date under pain of glares and sighs.

-= LP =-

"I'm so pleased that you agreed to meet with me, Harry," the woman purred. Harry was pleasantly surprised at how smoothly this date was going. Maybe Jocelyn was right about this woman definitely being The One. This was the first time that one of his dates had lasted longer than cocktails. Maybe it was true what people said, that the third—er, thirteenth time was the charm? "I've always wanted to taste the Chosen One's blood."

He laughed, thinking she was joking. She laughed in return. Then she reached for her steak knife.

Maybe the fourteenth time was the charm?

-= LP =-

"Harry, have you talked to your matchmaker lately?"

"No, and I'm not going back, Hermione!"

"Harry Potter!" Hermione scolded, with that stubborn expression she got. He felt himself wavering.

"No! And you can't make me!"

"Oh, _really_?"

"There you are, Harry," Luna greeted as she came out of seemingly nowhere. With the healthy sort of randomness, he preferred, the blonde threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. Going with the flow (because that was always easiest when Luna was involved), Harry returned the increasingly filthy kiss. Hermione cleared her throat. Luna continued the kiss for a few heartbeats before pulling back. "Are you coming? Neville's waiting."

"Uh, sorry, Hermione—I got a, um—"

"I'm sure you understand how newly matched soulmates can be, Hermione," Luna interrupted his stammering. She didn't wait for the other witch to respond before dragging Harry to the other side of the pub. Knowing that going with the flow was always easiest Luna, given how often she just noticed things that everyone else overlooked, Harry went eagerly.

It was absolutely not in the hopes of more activities like that kiss.

He might be a lying liar who lies.

Why couldn't Jocelyn set him up with someone like Luna—or Neville?

"Um, in interest of keeping our stories straight," Harry started as they got close enough that Harry could see the focused expression on Neville's face. Being the focus of that intense gaze made parts of Harry squirm the same way Luna's kiss had. "In interest of keeping our stories straight, how long have we been matched?"

"Oh, about three minutes now," Luna declared as she nudged him hard enough that he stumbled onto Neville's lap. Harry wiggled to not fall off, making Neville groan as he wrapped his arms around Harry's waist. "Do you really mind if we claimed you for a bit?"

"Um, will there be safe words?"

"Maybe not the first time," Luna allowed, "but if that's what you want, I'm sure we can find something all three of us would enjoy."

"Nothing involving steak knives or sock puppets?"

"What kind of people have you been dating?" Neville demanded in shock instead of answering. Harry gave him a grin.

"Nutjobs," Harry quipped, "but without the tasty bits."

"Do you like tasty bits, Harry?" Luna asked. Her tone was innocent. Her smile was anything. Harry squirmed in his seat, making Neville buck up into him with another groan. Shaking slightly at the feeling flooding his system now, Harry nodded. "Would you like to come see Neville's tasty bit? I promise you that it is very tasty."

"Oh, yes, please."

-= LP =-

Jocelyn Dinar closed the file she had on Harry Potter with a grateful sigh. She always found her clients their match, but sometimes it was so difficult convince them to actually connect. Harry Potter had be a particular tricky customer. She thought he would never realize what was happening. Thank Aphrodite that his soulmates had stopped waiting for him and had taken their own initiative.

She was running out of nutjobs to send to him.


End file.
